Bolts of Lightning
by Stormy Daye
Summary: **PREQUEL** Hannah's journal, why did she do all the things she did? Book 5 in the Jamieson series. **COMPLETE**
1. Prologue

Prologue  
  
Hannah was such a sweet girl when I first met her. She was innocent then. Funny how people can change over time. If I know anything, I know that Hannah didn't deserve what she got. She deserved a happy, normal life. But so many things prevented that. So many people prevented that.  
  
She also didn't respond well to everything that happened. She could have done so many things, but she chose what she chose and there is no changing that now.  
  
It would be so easy for me to despise her but I can't do that. For a short while she made my life livable.  
  
You have to be thankful for the good things in life and she was one of the good things for awhile.  
  
I still remember the day she told me she wanted to be just like me.  
  
"Maxine, you are so strong, I don't know how you do it," she said.  
  
"Maybe someday I'll teach you," I told her smiling.  
  
Too bad I never got that chance. 


	2. Chapter One

Chapter One  
  
September 1st I knew nothing would change with my parents. I told them how much I hated private schools and that I'd much rather go to a public school but nooo, they couldn't listen to their one and only daughter. My father is dead set on me going to the best school in the country. That's why we moved to Toronto in the first place, which by the way I hate. He actually had another chain in his restaurant opened up here just so he could have an excuse to move here.  
  
He thinks he's so good at manipulating me, but I see right through his ploys. I know he is doing this so he can control me. Mom isn't much help either, she just stands by and tells me to listen to my father, he knows best.  
  
So now I'm stuck here, I have to go to the new private school for my first day of grade eleven. I was finally starting to really feel comfortable in Winnipeg when Dad made this announcement.  
  
"Honey, come and sit down, we have something to tell you," he said that night after supper. I had just gotten home from school an hour before. We always ate early because Dad liked to be at the restaurant at dinnertime.  
  
I saw the look on his face that night. I knew it wasn't going to be a good announcement. He always looked kind of nervous when he had to tell me something he knew I wouldn't like. I don't know why he would be nervous, he was about ten times my size. Three hundred pounds and 6'5 he was a giant next to my small 5'2, hundred and five pound frame.  
  
I stared at him expectantly. My mother didn't look eager to come sit down next to me. This couldn't be good. If she knew about the surprise then it must be something they had discussed.  
  
"We are building another Chez Moi in Toronto," he said.  
  
"Really? That's good." I still wasn't sure what this was going to evolve into. My father announced new buildings of his restaurant all the time. Sometimes he ever had two different ones being built at the same time at different sides of the country.  
  
"And, we are moving there," he said.  
  
I still remember how I felt that night. The anger still hasn't really died down four months later. I still didn't want to talk to my father about much of anything. He never asked me what I wanted; he just assumed I wanted what he wanted.  
  
Well he was in for a rude awakening if he thought I was going to adjust to this new house and new school easily. I was going to make this hard for him and my mother. They were in for a rough ride this year. Nothing was going to stop me from punishing my father, he deserved what he was going to get, that I'm sure of. Next time he'll think twice before doing something like this before asking me. He'll be sorry when he sees what I can do. I can't hurt him physically, nor do I want to.  
  
Sometimes it feels like everything he makes me do is something that he wanted to do when he was my age. He's living through me. Well, that would end when my life turned into total chaos. He'll wish I were never born after I'm through.  
  
September 3rd  
  
School starts tomorrow. I can't stop staring at my new uniform. It is a navy blue skirt and white button up blouse. I hate uniforms. Another thing that is my father's fault.  
  
He went to see how the restaurant was coming along today. He asked me to come along but I refused. I don't care about his restaurants anymore. I used to think he was a great businessman to be able to build such a famous restaurant from scratch, but now I knew he probably just manipulated people into helping him along the way.  
  
Mom seemed so sad today, she's lonely here, I can tell. She misses her friends. I can't help but wonder if she really wanted to move here, or if he forced her into it the same way he did me.  
  
My previous entry is pretty harsh. Do I really want to hurt my father the way I said. Is it worth it? Maybe I need to think of some way to hurt him but still get everything that I want. Maybe that is the perfect way to get him. Make my life everything he doesn't want it to be. Maybe then he'll stop living through me and just accept the fact that he is a crotchety old man.  
  
I'm not the kind of person that can be forced into things. I need to go at my own pace or I will do the exact opposite of what everyone wants. My father should know by now that I don't like being told what to do. My life will turn out how I want it to turn out, not how he wants it to be.  
  
Later  
  
It's late now. Everyone else is sleeping. I'm nervous about going to school and I couldn't sleep. I can't help wondering if I will make friends. At my last school it took me awhile to make friends. I just want to fit in at my new school. I might hate it that I have to go there, but that doesn't mean I want to be the one no one talks to.  
  
I'm starting to feel tired now, tomorrow is going to come whether I like it or not so I might as well get some sleep.  
  
September 4th  
  
I can't believe how perfect this day was! I met the most amazing guy. He is so handsome and kind. His name is Zachary Jamieson and he was in my English class. I have to write down every detail about how we met. I don't want to forget a single thing!  
  
I wasn't having a very good day by the time third period rolled around. No one had really made an effort to talk to me. Even when I tried to talk to a girl next to me in Chemistry class, she ignored me. It was obvious that everyone had their little groups and they didn't need me to cramp their style. I was starting to get depressed when I trudged into English. I told the teacher I was new and she told me where to sit.  
  
All the other students came in and sat down. I didn't notice anyone around me; I just wanted to day to end so I could come home and bury myself under the blankets. But then someone said hi to me. I turned to my left (I even know which side he sat on!) and there he was. So beautiful. I know it isn't normal to call a guy beautiful but that is the perfect word to describe him. His eyes were so blue and his hair was jet black. He had dimples in both cheeks as he smiled at me. I was speechless for a minute as I stared at him but finally (thankfully) I managed to say hi back.  
  
"I'm Zack Jamieson," he told me. I know I thought his name was as wonderful as his dimples and it suited him so well. I told him who I was and he told me about our teacher. I can't even remember her name, I was too busy hanging on Zack's every word and staring into his deep blue eyes. The period flew by. I was actually disappointed when the bell rang to signal the end of the period and the beginning of my lunch period. I was ready to spend a lunch sitting by myself but Zack followed me to my locker. I didn't know what to say to him but I didn't want him to leave either. He was a lot taller than me and I could feel his arm brush against my shoulder as I stopped to open my locker. I looked up at him and he smiled. Then he said the words that I was waiting to hear.  
  
"Want to come and eat lunch with me and some of my friends?" he asked.  
  
I felt so flustered. I couldn't believe that someone as perfect as he seemed to be wanted to eat lunch with me. I forgot all about the anger I felt at my father for making me move here and I nodded my head quickly.  
  
We walked to the cafeteria together and I was so conscious of everything I was doing, like the distance between steps and the single strand of hair in my face that I reached up to brush away. We sat down at a table with about seven other people. A couple of them said hi to Zack and eyed me suspiciously. Especially one girl with dark red hair. She was beautiful, almost like a goddess or something.  
  
"Whose your friend Zacky poo?" the red haired girl asked. She smirked at me as if she had just proven something by using a nickname. Like that meant anything to me. I could just as easily call him Zackerdoodledandy. She wasn't ahead of me.  
  
"Everyone this is Hannah Webster, she's new here," Zack said, "Hannah this is everyone," Everyone called out a hello and told me their names. There was Sean, Tina, Carrie, Jenna, Tim, Corey and Justin. They all seemed nice except Carrie. She was the one with the red hair and for the whole lunch hour she hung all over Zack. He seemed a little uncomfortable if you ask me. At one point he actually looked at Carrie a minute, glanced at me and shrugged. I was happy to be a part of his little joke.  
  
The rest of the day passed by in a blur and I practically ran home after school to write this down. I would have had a nervous breakdown if I didn't get down every detail. I even remember what Zack ate for lunch and what he was wearing. Macaroni and cheese. Blue slacks and a white dress shirt. Oh and white running shoes. He wasn't wearing to regulation black dress shoes. I liked how he didn't follow all the rules.  
  
Yesterday I was complained non-stop about how terrible this school was going to be but now I'm just so happy that I'm here. I would never have met Zack if I didn't come here. I feel like I know him so well already.  
  
But I also can't wait until tomorrow so I can lose myself in his beautiful blue eyes again. I wonder if I'll be able to restrain myself from running my fingers through his hair.  
  
I'm so happy right now; I don't think I've ever felt like this before in my entire life!  
  
Later  
  
My mind won't stop thinking about him. I can't even do my homework. Oh well, I'd choose Zack Jamieson over word equations in a million years.  
  
But this infatuation is worrying me. I've only known him one day and already I can't stop thinking about him. I think I'm going crazy, I have to push him out of my mind and concentrate on something else just for a little while. He'll still be there tomorrow, right? Of course he will be and I can't wait to see those dimples again! 


	3. Chapter Two

Chapter Two  
  
September 5th  
  
I could hardly sleep last night. It's 5am right now. I never get up this early; I like my sleep. But I thought I'd try to curl my hair or something. Well that wasn't the plan, but I just can't sleep any longer. I'm not going to curl my hair. I always hated those girls who wore ten pounds of makeup and there was so much hairspray in their hair that it would break off if anyone touched it. I'm not like that. I have to be careful. I don't want this little, (okay BIG) crush to change who I am. I'm not going to look like I'm trying too hard. That would be like Carrie and it didn't really seem like Zack liked her much.  
  
I managed to finish my homework last night. I didn't have much but teacher's like to give it anyway even on the first day.  
  
Dad came up last night and tried to talk to me about school but I just wasn't in the mood. He's never really cared that much before about my schoolwork. As long as I brought home good marks he would be fine. I can't remember the last time he went to see one of my teachers. Actually I don't think he ever has.  
  
He told me about the restaurant but I ignored him. Eventually he took the hint and left me alone. I hate to say it but I almost felt bad for treating him that way. He looked so defeated when he left my room. And it looks so pathetic to see a man as big as him look that way.  
  
No! I can't let it get to me. He's just trying to make me feel sorry for him. Well I can't let it work. He's not going to get to me this time.  
  
Noon  
  
I fell asleep again this morning and I was almost late for school. I had to rush to get ready and Mom had to give me a ride. I was just glad that Dad was already gone to the restaurant. I didn't need him badgering me anymore.  
  
It feels strange writing at lunchtime. I never do this. I guess there's never been anything interesting enough to write about. But now that I have met Zack I want to write down everything about him.  
  
He's trying out for the football team right now so I decided to come to the library and write a little. I would have sat with his friends but only the guys are nice to me and they are all at football tryouts. The girls all seem so jealous, especially Carrie. It's like she thinks she owns Zack and I'm not even allowed to look at him.  
  
Even the other girls are jealous. I have to admit; Zack isn't the only one who is paying attention to me. Justin and Tim actually both offered to get me a sandwich from the cafeteria. I forgot my lunch money at home because I was in such a rush. I ended up eating half of Tim's hamburger because he insisted. I don't want to take away anyone's boyfriend or anything but it doesn't seem like any of them are dating soooo..  
  
Well, today certainly hasn't been as perfect as yesterday was. I'll write down what has happened.  
  
I went to my first two classes and the time passed by so slowly, I thought there was something wrong with the clock. But finally I made it to English class and sat next to Zack again. None of his friends are in that class and for that I was thankful. We talked a little but we had to start reading "Macbeth" so we didn't get much opportunity. He did tell me he was trying out for football. He said he was always on the team. I could picture that. I imagined he was the popular guy at the school.  
  
Lunch came quickly and I sat with Zack and his friends. All the guys had to leave early for tryouts so I was stuck there with Carrie, Tina and Jenna. They all kind of ignored me at first but then Justin came back. He gave me a slip of paper and smiled. He left again quickly without even acknowledging the other girls. I could feel their hard glares on me. I didn't want to look at the note there so I stood up and told them I was going to the washroom.  
  
I knew they started talking about me the second I was away from earshot. But I didn't care, what could the note be?  
  
In the bathroom I opened it up and saw it was an invitation to a party. This Saturday. At Justin's house. I was so happy. I want to go so badly and I hope Mom won't mind. She is always alone on Saturday's because Dad is off at the restaurant.  
  
I know she'll be happy for me. She wants me to be happy as long as it doesn't mean defying my father. This won't force her to do that. So I was going to a party on Saturday. I assume Zack would be there. But then so would Carrie.  
  
That's okay, all I have to do is be nice to them and not pounce on any of the guys and they can't hate me forever.  
  
Fifth period is going to start soon. Too bad Carrie's in my class.  
  
Evening  
  
I can't believe how cruel Carrie is! She actually told me I couldn't go to Justin's party. Like she is my keeper. I tried my best to be nice to her. I asked her politely if she understood the math problems we had to do but she just glared.  
  
I don't understand. What did I do that is so wrong? Why can't people just like me?  
  
This is almost like what happened at my old school. A guy that I talked to once in awhile apparently had a crush on me. He dumped his girlfriend and asked me out. I said no because I didn't like him that way but his girlfriend got her posse together and followed me home that night.  
  
I can still remember how they spit in my face and trying to get me to eat dirt. I was only in grade nine then. I didn't even know I had done anything wrong.  
  
Later  
  
Mom was actually a lot of help tonight. She does seem more relaxed when Dad isn't here. I told her about Zack and Justin's party and how Carrie told me not to go.  
  
"Honey, there are always going to be some people who will be jealous, all you can do is ignore them," she told me.  
  
"I haven't even done anything to her," I complained. I was still fuming from Carrie's threat. She didn't have the right to tell me what to do. Not even Dad can do that. "You are beautiful, of course they'll be jealous," Mom said. She didn't seem to be fully there after that. It seemed like she was dreaming about something. She looked so happy that I decided to leave her alone.  
  
But I knew what she said was right, I couldn't let Carrie get to me. The best thing I could do was ignore her. I have to be mature. Zack will like a girl who can keep her cool rather than make threats.  
  
September 6th  
  
Today was a lot like yesterday. The guys had tryouts and again and I was stuck with Carrie and her sidekicks. I noticed they follow her around like baby ducks follow their mother.  
  
Carrie acted like the previous day's threat had never happened. She put on a fake smile and pretended to be nice to me. Hate fake people. I have no tolerance for someone who will act like someone they are not just to gain something.  
  
It was an uncomfortable lunch and I was happy when it was over.  
  
But lunch wasn't the worst part of my day. When I got home, the house was empty. Mom is usually home when I get back from school so I looked for a note but there wasn't one. I figured that she was out for a walk or something. I hoped she had made a friend. I didn't want her to be lonely.  
  
Dinnertime came and there was no mother and no phone call. I was actually starting to get worried when finally the front door opened. I got up and hurried to the foyer.  
  
I hate my father so much. He brought a colleague home. Some woman he met near the restaurant. She looked like a hooker if you ask me. She was wearing a short purple skirt and very tight, very see through white tank top. They were laughing together.  
  
"Oh, Hannah, there you are," Dad said, "this is my friend Vicky,"  
  
I'm surprised her name wasn't Hot Tamale or something like that.  
  
"Where's mom?" I asked.  
  
"She's at her new friends house," he said.  
  
Then he said something that almost made me punch him right then and there.  
  
"You don't have to tell your mother about Vicky, okay dear? She'd just get upset and it's unnecessary," he whispered as he walked by me.  
  
How could he do this to Mom? To me? Wasn't he busy with the restaurant? I guess not busy enough that he couldn't have a little fun when Mom wasn't around.  
  
I'm so furious at him right now; I just want to punch a hole in the wall. I don't know if I should tell mom or not. It will kill her to think he might be having an affair. But wait, he wasn't really trying to hide it. He must have known I would be here, that I wouldn't keep this from Mom.  
  
I just can't think about this anymore. I had to write it to get it out of my system. I'm just going to do my homework and wait for Mom to get home.  
  
Late  
  
She still hasn't come home. Where could she be?  
  
September 8th  
  
Long story. Mom did make it home but not until I was already asleep. Yesterday was a horrible day. I couldn't even find the time or energy to write.  
  
Thank goodness that Vicky was gone when Mom got home. That would have been a disaster. I still haven't decided if I should tell her or not. Maybe I'm just overreacting. That has to be it. Dad is a pig but he wouldn't cheat. Would he?  
  
Something terrible has happened to Mom.  
  
When she got home at whatever time in the morning she fell asleep on the couch. She has never done that before as far as I know. I found her there in the morning. Her eyes were red and swollen. Her shirt was ripped and she had one shoe off and one shoe on. It scared me to see her that way. I woke her up and she cried when I asked her what happened. She couldn't even speak clearly enough for me to hear what she said when she told me what happened. It's terrible.  
  
"Someone..raped me honey," she said sobbing.  
  
How could this have happened? How could someone do that to my mother? Dad should have been out there to protect her. But instead he was having fun with his "friend". I blame Dad for this. He is responsible for everything bad that happens to Mom or me. If we hadn't come here then this never would have happened.  
  
I even forgot about Zack at that Mom. All I cared about was making Mom feel better. I got her a hot bath ready and she stayed in until the water was ice cold. I had to convince her to get out and get her pajamas on.  
  
Dad wasn't home, thankfully, or he would have gotten an earful from me.  
  
She fell asleep in bed about an hour later. She looked so fragile lying there. I stayed in the room with her the whole time. She had some oatmeal that I made for her and she looked a lot better when Dad got home. He only poked her head into the room and said hi. He didn't even notice Mom was still in her pajamas and I was too.  
  
I didn't go to school, not when Mom needed me so much.  
  
"I'm going to tell him what he's done," I told Mom, getting up angrily.  
  
"No!" she cried out, "No,"  
  
She already told me she didn't want to call the police. I couldn't understand why she wouldn't want to get the guy who did this to her. I would be doing everything I could to get him off the streets if it were me. But she couldn't go through a trial that I could see. What was the point?  
  
"I don't want to worry him," she told me sleepily. So I told Dad she was sick. He didn't go in to see her. He went out for a night on the town. It's Friday today. I already told Zack I wouldn't be able to make it to Justin's party.  
  
I'm disappointed but I want to be here for my mother.  
  
So Carrie has won this battle but the was is not over. 


	4. Chapter Three

Chapter Three  
  
September 11th  
  
I was so busy all weekend that I couldn't even write at all. I'm neglecting my journal; I used to write every day, now I could barely get enough time to write this short entry.  
  
My weekend was spent with my mother. I managed to get her to leave her room for dinner on Sunday. Dad still thinks she is just really sick. He has only been in to see her twice since Thursday when she first got "sick". He sleeps in the guest room, saying that he doesn't want to catch whatever she has but I think he's slowly drifting away from her. I feel so bad for her. She cries non-stop every day and night. Her eyes are so puffy from crying that she can barely hold them open. She needs Dad the most now and he has chosen this time to stop being the loving husband she needs. My anger has dissipated a little now. I no longer want to yell at my father for being so selfish. I just ignore him during the short time that I see him every night. He doesn't seem to notice. I don't even care anymore.  
  
I tried to get Mom to tell me who raped her but she can't even talk about what she was doing before it happened. It is as if she has blocked that entire day from her head. Maybe it is just as well; it won't help for her to bring up that horrible experience. She is strong; I know she'll get over this.  
  
Later  
  
Mom has fallen asleep finally. She cried all night while I did my homework on the floor of her bedroom. I've stopped trying to comfort her. She knows I'm here for her now. There's not really anything else I can do for her since she doesn't want anyone else to know what happened.  
  
There was one good thing that happened today. At school I talked to Zack and he told me about Justin's party. Turns out it was a good idea for my not to go to the party. Carrie got totally smashed and ended up falling into the glass coffee table. Justin's parents were furious and they are making her pay for it. I admit, it would have been funny to see her make such a fool of herself. But oh well. Zack thought she was being really immature.  
  
At lunch she didn't talk much so I didn't have to put up with her glaring at me and making wisecracks about my shoes being out of style or something. Tina and Jenna were also a lot nicer to me when they didn't have to follow Carrie. Or maybe they are going to decide that Carrie is no good and ditch her. I can only hope.  
  
September 12th  
  
Mom was out of bed and dressed when I got home from school today! I was so happy that she finally decided to come back to the land of the living. I think she really needs to get her life back to normal; it will be easier to get through her pain if she does.  
  
Dad was surprised to see her up and he actually stayed home for dinner. I don't know how I feel about that. Sometimes I wish that he would just get whatever he is doing over with so I won't have to deal with him anymore. I still don't talk to him much and that is fine with me. He doesn't try to ask me about school anymore.  
  
Later  
  
I can't believe it! Justin called me tonight. He just called to talk for a while. I was a little surprised. We had been talking at school a little but I didn't think he would ever call me out of the blue just to chat. It's fine with me though. He is pretty cute I think. Blond hair and blue eyes kinda guy. He told me that he wants to see a movie that's coming out soon. I surprised myself by saying that we should go together. But he was excited about it.  
  
I don't know if it's a date. Is it a date?  
  
September 14th  
  
Boy was Carrie in a bad mood today. Justin and I are supposed to go to the movies tomorrow night (I'm still not sure if it's a date). He told Zack and Tim about it and I guess somehow Carrie found out. She can be so confusing. She'd mad if I talk to Zack so I'm going to hang out with Justin instead but she's mad now too. She doesn't own every guy in the school. I'm really getting sick of her. I think I should find some new friends to sit with at lunch.  
  
September 15th  
  
Mom was so happy that I was going on a date. (We determined that it is in fact a date). She helped me put on some makeup and choose what to wear. I haven't seen her this happy since we moved to Toronto.  
  
"I remember my first date," she said wistfully, handing me a tube of lipstick.  
  
"This isn't my first date Mom," I reminded her.  
  
"Oh I know, but dates are just so much fun," she said.  
  
Justin came to pick me up (Yep, definitely a date). We went straight to the movies and he paid for my ticket and popcorn. Of course I offered to pay for myself but he refused. What a gentleman. I wonder if Zack would do that. The movie was pretty good but I wasn't really paying much attention to it. Sometimes I was thinking about Justin and sometimes I was thinking about Zack.  
  
I think I have a problem here.  
  
Later  
  
Yes, I have a problem. Justin's so sweet but Zack...  
  
I guess I should just wait and see.  
  
September 18th  
  
School seems so bland compared to how exciting my weekends are. I did have a really good time with Justin, when I wasn't thinking about Zack.  
  
On Saturday Zack called me on the phone and asked if I wanted to go out for lunch. He said there was a new restaurant called, "Chez Moi" that just opened near his house. That made me chuckle a little. I guess I hadn't told him that my father owned that restaurant.  
  
But I was in a little bit of a joking mood so I said sure. I knew Dad was going to be there. He had left very early to get there. When a new restaurant opens up he has to be there all the time to make sure everything runs smoothly.  
  
I don't know, maybe I just wanted to rub it in his face that I don't tell him anything about my life. As if he would care.  
  
Now that I think about it, I wish I hadn't gone with Zack to Chez Moi. But I did.  
  
Dad was at the host table when we walked in. Perfect.  
  
"Hannah," he said surprised.  
  
Zack was confused. I thought it was funny. What is wrong with me?  
  
I introduced Zack as a friend and Dad couldn't stop eyeing him suspiciously. He gave us a table anyway.  
  
"Why didn't you tell me your Dad owns this restaurant?" Zack asked once we were alone.  
  
I just shrugged. I still don't know why. Life is slow sometimes. You have to make your own excitement. Maybe that is my problem. I like drama.  
  
"Well I guess you'll have to come and meet my parents then," Zack said smiling. I think I would have collapsed if I hadn't already been sitting down. It was like we were dating and meeting the parents was the next step. I never met my boyfriend's parents before. And Zack isn't even my boyfriend!  
  
Okay, slow down. This is all happening way to fast. First Justin, now Zack. I'm a dating machine. I've only been in school for a couple weeks and already two guys are in love with me.  
  
Okay maybe I flattering myself a little, but hey.  
  
We had a good lunch and left without seeing my father again. He was probably in the kitchen spying at us through the round window in the door. I wouldn't be surprised.  
  
September 20th  
  
Wednesday night. Life has been slow since the weekend. Dad didn't mention the incident at the restaurant but I knew he wanted to. It seemed like he's been struggling with saying something to me all week. Oh well. I really don't care.  
  
I have bigger problems than Dad trying to tell me something. Justin and Zack aren't getting along and I think it's because of me. I can't say I hate it that two guys are fighting over me but I really don't want to ruin their friendship. I wish they could just get along.  
  
Carrie has stopped eating with us at lunch. It's almost like I've taken her place in the group. That was the easiest war of my life. Usually they put up a bigger fight then that. I guess she realized that it wasn't worth it.  
  
Phones ringing, be right back.  
  
*~*~*~  
  
It was Zack. I don't know if I'm happy or not. What am I talking about? I'm ecstatic. He wants to meet me at the coffee shop at the corner of York!  
  
I really think I'm crazy. Are two guys really fighting over me or am I just making it all up in my head?  
  
September 25th  
  
SO much has happened since Wednesday. I'm definitely not making up two guys fighting over me. The coffee shop thing was a total disaster that I really do feel terrible about.  
  
I went there to meet Zack and it turns out Justin WORKS there. I thought this was cruel of Zack but he says he didn't think Justin was working that night. He was. He stared at us the whole time. I felt so bad about it that I had to leave early.  
  
On Thursday Justin came to school with a black eye and Zack with a split lip. I didn't know what to think of that. I still can't believe that so much has happened.  
  
So, of course I asked Zack what happened and he told me. He and Justin fought after I left that night. I was finally sick of it. It had been great while it lasted but I wasn't going to do this to best friends anymore. At lunch I asked both of them to come outside with me.  
  
I already knew that Sean, Tim, Jenna and Tina were mad at me for doing this to their group.  
  
"I've decided that I'm not going to go out with either of you anymore," I told them both.  
  
"What?" Justin asked incredulously.  
  
"No, Hannah, c'mon, think about this," Zack said.  
  
"I have," I told him, "I'm ruining your friendship. So I'll see you guys around."  
  
I walked away from them and I didn't look back when they called out to me. I didn't want to do this but I had to.  
  
You'll never guess what happened on Friday. Jenna and Tina cornered me in the bathroom and got MAD at me for dumping the guys. Seriously, these people were so confusing. You'd think they'd be happy I was gone from their group. But nooo. They have to want the opposite of what I do.  
  
"Zack is a mess without you," Tina said.  
  
"But, I thought-" I started.  
  
"You thought wrong," Tina said.  
  
"Listen," Jenna said, "Justin can get over you but Zack is really in love with you.  
  
Love?  
  
"Yes I said love, I don't know what it is about you but he needs you, I've never seen him like this before, and I hate to admit it but you are perfect for eachother," she said.  
  
So, there it is. Zack and I are perfect for eachother. Great. Why did everything good have to come with such a struggle? This is what I wanted. Now, why did it have to be so hard to get?  
  
That's life for you.  
  
So, on Saturday I went over to Zack's house. Wow, that house is huge. Bigger than any I've ever lived in, that's for sure. The sign on the gate said it was called, "La Vie". Life in French. A butler answered the door and showed me into a sitting room. A huge sitting room. I didn't know Zack was that rich. He came into he room and I knew then that I could love him. Maybe I already did. We are together now and it feels good to have what I know is right.  
  
Maybe I really am crazy but it's a good kind of crazy. 


	5. Chapter Four

Chapter Four  
  
September 29th  
  
The time goes by so quickly when I'm with Zack. And when we're not together (which isn't often) it seems to go by so slowly, I can barely stand it.  
  
We are together all the time now. He comes over after school and we do our homework, it takes us awhile because we get preoccupied but we manage to get it all done. He's so smart, he is really good at science so he helps me a lot in Chemistry.  
  
He hasn't met my mother yet. She is starting to go back into her shell. She was okay for while, thought she never did leave the house. But now she sleeps a lot and will hardly eat anything unless I bring it to her and practically feed her. I am ashamed to admit it but I wish she'd just get over it. She won't get the guy and put him in jail, so she should just forget about it. I personally think she would feel much better if she got the police to arrest him.  
  
"But I don't even know who he is," she said one night when I brought up some spaghetti I had made for her. That was another thing that had changed; I had to make dinner.  
  
"You can remember his face can't you?" I asked.  
  
Her lower lip quivered and she shook her head no. I knew she was lying.  
  
I've lost all hope on Dad. He is rarely if ever home now. He says it's because of the restaurant but I know it's not true. I can tell when people are lying. Dad knows that but he doesn't seem to care. He knows something is wrong with Mom but he chooses to ignore it.  
  
I know where he goes at night too. He goes out with random women he meets in bars or at the restaurant. I've seen him sneaking them into the house through the back door. He always sleeps in the guest room now.  
  
One of these times, I'm going to give him a piece of my mind,  
  
Yeah, one of these times.  
  
October 1st  
  
Zack and I were together all weekend. We even hung out with Justin and Tina who are going out now. I'm glad that Justin is over me. I don't think I could handle it if he and Zack were still fighting. I think I'm really starting to fall in love with Zack and I couldn't bear dumping him if that was what it came to.  
  
Tina and I have a lot in common actually. Her parents are divorced, which I sadly think is what my parents are going to become. She likes the same kind of music as me, (country). And she is obsessed with ice cappuccinos.  
  
Not many people like country so I think this could be a pretty good friendship.  
  
October 2nd I'm in English class right now. We are supposed to be reading but it's just so boring. I really don't like reading. Zack has invited me to go to his house for dinner on Wednesday. I'll meet his parents and his older brother. I'm really nervous about it. Of course I've been to his house before but I haven't even seen his family. They always seem to be out or busy with something else.  
  
Oh silent reading is over, got to go.  
  
October 4th - Late  
  
I just got back from Zack's house. The dinner was fabulous! I think his family is so nice! They were so gracious and polite to me. I'm dying to write down everything that happened.  
  
When I got there I was so nervous. Their butler, Drew answered the door looking very formal in his tuxedo. I couldn't imagine having a butler. We had had a maid and a cook before but never a butler. Zack was right behind him wearing a gray suit with a tie and dress shirt. I was glad then that I had decided to wear my black dress. Obviously dinner here was a very formal event. I had pulled my dark brown hair into a loose ponytail and I put a little bit of makeup on. I knew that some people thought girls shouldn't wear makeup but I decided it would be okay if I wore a little.  
  
"You look gorgeous," Zack said pulling me into his arms. Drew had already disappeared into the huge house.  
  
Zack leaned down and kissed me lightly on the tip of my nose. He always said he loved my nose.  
  
I could smell his cologne and I took a deep breath. I had already grown to love that smell.  
  
Zack led me into the sitting room. My heart had slowed down a little bit. Just seeing Zack had calmed me down a great deal. I knew I would be fine as long as he was with me.  
  
In the sitting room was Zack's father, mother and brother.  
  
"Mother, Father, Freddy, this is Hannah Webster," Zack said. I smiled at them all as they stood up to introduce themselves one at a time. I couldn't get over how formal and polite they all were. I didn't know that if they liked me or not, I think they would be far too gracious to let it show if they didn't.  
  
Maxine was his mother. She had brown hair that was cut very stylishly. Her eyes were pale blue but very beautiful. She had high cheekbones and what could be called an hour glass figure. I thought she was what could be called a classic beauty.  
  
Michael was his father. He had black hair that was starting to turn gray. But he was the type of man who would be even more handsome with gray hair. It would just make him look more dignified. His eyes were dark brown and they sparkled when he smiled. His eyes were very inviting and friendly and I felt comfortable with him immediately.  
  
Freddy, as Zack called him, was his older brother. He was astonishingly handsome. Almost like he was a Greek god. His jaw was square and his features very chiseled. When he smiled he showed off very white teeth. His eyes were brown like his fathers and had the same sparkle in them. He shook my hand and looked me up and down. Surprisingly this didn't make me feel uncomfortable. It didn't seem like he was leering, he was only taking a look.  
  
We spoke in the sitting room for a while. I told them about where I had lived before Toronto and how my father owned the restaurant.  
  
"We'll have to go there sometime, won't we Michael?" Maxine said. She smiled at him. They seemed so happy together. Michael was the quiet, dignified type. But he didn't seem conceited, as much as just confident. He could achieve anything he set his mind too. I could see so much of him in Zack.  
  
Freddy talked about college and how he planned to become an architect. I could tell that both Maxine and Michael were very proud of him.  
  
For dinner we had duck. I have had it many times before at my fathers restaurant and I enjoyed it very much. The chocolate cheesecake we had for dessert was also very delicious.  
  
We talked for a long time after dinner. I really liked talking with all of them. We talked about everything from third world countries to the weather. I had a wonderful time there and I was almost sad when it was time to leave. I thanked them profusely for having me and Zack took me to the front door.  
  
"I had a great time," I told him.  
  
"I know," he said, smiling. He kissed me once and then helped me get my coat on.  
  
So, it was back to the quiet, loneliness that was my life at home. Too bad my family couldn't be more like Zack's. I wished we could be closer.  
  
It was silent when I came into the house. I assumed that Dad was out with yet another mistress and Mom was in bed.  
  
I miss Zack already and I can't wait to see him again tomorrow.  
  
October 7th  
  
Zack told me his family loved me. I'm so happy! I can't remember ever feeling this good. I feel like my life is pretty much exactly how it is supposed to be.  
  
Well except for Dad. I would like it if he was home more often even if I didn't spend time with him. Mom needed him so much.  
  
She knows what he does at night. This house isn't that big that she can ignore the sounds in the night of my father and his mistress.  
  
He actually does have a regular mistress now. Her name is Olivia and she dresses like a prostitute. I still haven't given them a piece of my mind and I feel ready to explode sometimes. I so want to bring Zack here for dinner but I'm ashamed. Ashamed of my own family. Terrible, isn't it?  
  
October 8th  
  
Zack and I are getting closer. Just tonight he came over and we stayed in my room her four hours straight. I stopped it before it went too far but it was hard.  
  
I don't want to be one of those girls who will sleep with their boyfriends when they have only been dating them for a month.  
  
I have to wait and I will force myself to do just that no matter how hard it is.  
  
I love him I think! I'm just so happy. I can't imagine being with anyone but him and I really think he feels the same way. But sex is a big step and I want to make sure I'm ready before I do anything about it.  
  
I think it is very important to feel safe and comfortable with the people you sleep with. I have never done it before but I know what I want.  
  
I've changed so much since I met Zack. I'm much more fun loving and spontaneous. I actually like myself more when I'm around him. When we are apart I almost feel depressed. It is easy to feel that way in this house. Communication has literally come to a complete stop. It isn't healthy and I think Mom is really feeling the tension.  
  
As usual, Dad barely notices.  
  
Zack is my only refuge and I'm afraid of what would happen to me if I ever lost him. I don't want to find out. 


	6. Chapter Five

Chapter Five  
  
October 15th  
  
It's been FOREVER since I last wrote. A week I think. I've just been so busy with everything. School is going okay. My marks are pretty good. I brought them home on Friday. It cheered Mom up a bit to see that I was doing well. Dad barely even glanced at them before dashing off to meet Olivia yet again.  
  
I'll never forget the look on Mom's face when he told her he already had plans tonight. She asked him if we should go out tonight to celebrate my good marks. Her idea, not mine. But he just told us he had dinner plans with someone else already.  
  
I think Mom was starting to come out of her shell again. Starting to really forget about the man who raped her a month ago, but Dad keeps pushing her away and she can tell there is something wrong. It breaks my heart to see her like this. But what can I do? I wouldn't be sad if Dad left us forever, I'd only be sad for Mom. She isn't strong enough for something like that, that much is evident. One of these days Dad is going to feel bad for what he's doing to her.  
  
Later  
  
Zack and I talked on the phone for a while. He's been away all weekend with his family. They went up to Maxine's parents place. I missed him so much but he called Friday and Saturday nights to say goodnight. Just thinking about him makes me smile. I'm smiling right now.  
  
October 19th  
  
Last night was horrible. Mom was in her room early in the evening. It seems like all she ever does lately is sleep.  
  
I couldn't sleep so I went to watch TV in the living room. I fell asleep on the couch and was woken up by someone knocking something off the counter in the kitchen. Then I heard giggling. Of course. It's Dad and Olivia.  
  
Suddenly an image of Mom lying up in bed all by herself, probably crying herself to sleep flashed through my head and I finally snapped.  
  
I charged into the kitchen to find glass and orange juice all over the floor. One of the two adulteresses had knocked it over.  
  
Dad looked at me and actually had the audacity to look embarrassed. I almost went over to him right then and there and slapped him. But I restrained myself and stared them both down. Olivia looked like she had just been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. It's a little more serious than that you little whore.  
  
"Hannah, this is-" Dad tried to introduce me to the home wrecker.  
  
"Shut up Ben," I said. I no longer thought of him as my father. I would call him by my first name now.  
  
He stared at me in shock and tried to look behind me.  
  
"Where's Lydia?" he asked looking a little nervous.  
  
"Bed, probably crying over you," I told him, "Though I don't know why, you're not worth her tears,"  
  
"Hannah!" he said. He stumbled a little but grabbed onto the counter to steady himself. Olivia giggled but stifled it when I shot her a look that could kill.  
  
"Ben, c'mon," Olivia whined. She pulled on his arm. What did she think he was going to do? Walk away from his own daughter? Actually come to think of it, I'm surprised he didn't.  
  
"No Olivia, I think you should go home, I'll call you," he said  
  
"No he won't," I called after her as she sulked out the door.  
  
"What is going on with you Hannah?" he asked.  
  
"What is going on with you?" I shot back.  
  
"Don't talk back to me," he warned. He's trying to tell me what to do, be a good father. It's a little too late for that Father dear.  
  
"You are cheating on Mom," I hissed, "And don't you try to deny it, I'm not an idiot,"  
  
"I know that," he said. To my surprise, he looked a little ashamed. And I stress the little.  
  
I hadn't planned on telling him anything about what was really going on with Mom, but I think it was the only way I could get him to pay attention again. He needed a shock to bring him back to reality. He was shocked all right. He wanted to go straight upstairs to see Mom, but I told him she was sleeping.  
  
"Who could do that to my poor Lydia?" he asked.  
  
"I don't know, but it would have helped if you had been there for her, instead of romping around with 'hello, I'm a ditz', Olivia," I said. I might have being a little more vicious then I had intended at first but it was the only way to get through to him. It was as if his head was made of cement and you had to use a jackhammer to break through it.  
  
"If you had told me." he started.  
  
"You wouldn't have cheated?" I asked skeptically, "Don't try to blame this on me,"  
  
I think by the time I was finished, he finally got it. Mom needed him. He said he was going to break it off with Olivia but I have to wonder. Can I trust anything he says anymore?  
  
October 21st  
  
Dad has changed a little bit since Wednesday night. I really don't know if he has broken up with Olivia or if he is just being more careful to keep their relationship a secret. Whatever is the case, I guess it's better than what was going on before.  
  
Zack wanted to hang out today but I told him no. I wanted to spend some time with Mom today. Dad is at the restaurant (I think) os I don't want her to be all alone in the house. I know she gets lonely here in the daytime when I'm at school and Dad's off doing whatever it is he does. I know I'm going to miss Zack but I have to be away from him sometimes right?  
  
It's almost like he and I are married. We spend all our time together. We "study" together, eat together, everything. He has even stayed over night a couple of times. He just slept in one of the guest rooms. Neither of my parents noticed of course He told me he lied to his parents about staying over. I don't want him to have to lie to them but he doesn't seem to care. So I'm not going to tell him not to because I can't say I don't want him here.  
  
Maybe Zack and I should get married..hmm.  
  
Later  
  
Scratch what I said about getting married, I had a temporary loss of common sense.  
  
October 25th  
  
Oh my goodness! You'll never guess what happened today! I'm in such a good mood, maybe not for the best reason but it was still awesome!  
  
I was at school in chemistry class when everyone heard yelling coming from the hallway. The teacher tried to get us to ignore it but how do you ignore someone yelling right outside the door? I couldn't stop glancing out, I knew it was Carrie yelling at someone because I recognized her whiny voice. I tried to listen but it was too hard with the teacher talking over it.  
  
Eventually the teacher got so annoyed that he stormed out the door and yelled right back and Carrie and whomever she was with. All of us crowded around the door and peered out.  
  
I couldn't believe it! Carrie was wearing a pink, lacy princess dress. She was holding a long wand and she had a jeweled tiara on. She didn't look happy about wearing that getup. It looked like she was an eight year old dressed up to go trick or treating. No on could stop laughing. She looked absolutely ridiculous!  
  
The guy she was with was the school's resident drug dealer and he had a smug smirk on his face, as he looked Carrie up and down. Then he winked at her and she got a terrified look on her face. She shook her head no but he just nodded more. She sighed and let out a screeching scream and started jumping up and down in what looked like a temper tantrum. My teacher just looked at her like she was on crack. (Which she probably was, since that's what the guy sells) Then she threw herself onto the floor and pounded her fists on the ground. The guy, (lets just call him Joe) laughed so hard. So did I. Finally the teacher grabbed both or them and dragged them to the principal's office.  
  
The whole thing was around school by the time I got to my next period class. Zack and I had a good laugh over it. He really isn't friends with her anymore.  
  
I almost feel sorry for Carrie now after writing all the down. She is obviously addicted to some kind of drug if she is doing stuff like that just the please the drug dealer.  
  
I'm sorry, was I starting to act like I care? Because I don't.  
  
October 26th  
  
Carrie wasn't at school today. Not that I care.  
  
October 31st  
  
Carrie hasn't been seen near school for almost a week. Oh well.  
  
Zack and I are going to a party tonight for Halloween. Jenna is throwing it. It's going to be a lot of fun and I wish the hours would pass quicker so we could go! Zack and I are dressing up as Romeo and Juliet! It was his idea! We have been together almost two months but it feels like it has been years. I can't believe how close we have become in such a short time.  
  
Dad is staying home tonight to watch movies with Mom. He really has changed since I talked to him. I haven't seen Olivia around here once since that night. Mom seems a lot happier too. I'm really glad that Dad has finally come to his senses. I really couldn't handle Mom anymore when she in such a depression.  
  
We never talk about what happened to her anymore. It will only bring back bad memories. I'm just afraid to cause her to go back into her room for days on end again.  
  
My next mission is to get Dad to sleep in bed with Mom again. My feelings toward Dad have changed a lot since we moved here. I don't hate him for forcing me to move anymore. I just think that if he hadn't forced me to come here I never would have met Zack. Also, I have a little more resect for his judgment now too. Sure he was having an affair but he has put an end to it now and that is good.  
  
Later  
  
Okay, forget everything I said about respecting Dad. He is an arrogant asshole. I have never been more furious in my entire life. Never been more embarrassed, disappointed or absolutely livid ever before.  
  
Everything was fine when I left home with Zack to go to Jenna's party. We both looked so good. I was so happy then. I can't believe how my mood has changed.  
  
Anyways, the party was great until we heard, over the booming music, two people giggling and being as loud and obnoxious as possible outside. I don't know why but I had to look out there and see what was going on. I can barely even force myself to write this, but here goes.  
  
Outside, falling all over eachother like two drunk teenagers were my darling father and his supposed ex mistress. I froze in shock as I watched them fall into a heap on the ground and start making out. I don't know how far they would have gone if I hadn't gone over there and kicked my father in the stomach. He just grunted and looked up at me in confusion.  
  
"Oh Hannah, there y'are, I've been looking all over for ya," he slurred. Tears came to my eyes, I was so angry. How old was this man I called my father? He was acting no better than a fourteen-year-old girl who had been to a party for the first time.  
  
I couldn't even look at them. I just shook my head and walked back into the house. I told Zack what was going on. He couldn't believe it either. We left the party. I didn't even say anything to my father. I didn't know what he would do there but I just couldn't' bring myself to speak to him again in front of all my schoolmates.  
  
Zack stayed over night. He slept beside me in my bed. I felt so much better with him beside me. I knew he would protect me from anything. But could he really protect me from a father like the one I had been stuck with?  
  
November 5th  
  
I have only seen Dad a few times since the party and I don't even acknowledge him anymore. He doesn't deserve anything he has. Mom has been sick for a couple of days now. She throws up all the time and can't really eat anything except bananas. Seriously, that's th only thing she can even look at without throwing up.  
  
Her symptoms sound a lot like a woman who's.. oh my goodness.  
  
Is Mom..PREGNANT? 


	7. Chapter Six

Chapter Six  
  
November 15th  
  
The last ten days have been an absolute nightmare. I can hardly keep my eyes open to see what I'm writing right now. I have hardly been sleeping because I've been so worried about Mom. And Dad so no help as usual.  
  
So, I asked Mom how she was feeling and she said nauseous and tired. I told her what I thought and she said, "How could that happen? Ben hasn't slept in here for ages,"  
  
She wouldn't listen to me when I tried to remind her how it could have happened. She has totally blocked the entire experience out of her head. I guess that would have been a good thing if this new development hadn't come to my attention. But it is true. I went to the drug store and got a pregnancy test. The only way I could get Mom to take it was to tell her I would be very hurt if she didn't.  
  
It's true. She's pregnant. This is bad. I knew it was bad. She can't even comprehend the severity of what has happened. When I told her what the test revealed she actually smiled and she would have to tell Ben right away. But she can't tell him! He will know it's not his!  
  
I managed to get her to keep the secret until I got her to the doctor. I told her we wouldn't want to get Dad's hopes up if it was just a false alarm.  
  
I guess I was still hoping that the test was wrong. It had to be. Mom could NOT be pregnant. She could barely be a mother to me anymore, let alone another child.  
  
I knew I couldn't take her to the doctor by myself so I called Zack. I was almost in hysterics as I told him the whole story over the phone. He came over right away and just stood in the front foyer holding me in his arms. After awhile I finally felt strong enough to face my mother and the truth. I don't know what I would have done without Zack.  
  
He drove Mom and I to the doctors office. Mom seemed very confused about who he as and where we were going. I tried to explain it to her but it's as if she has regressed and is a little kid again. She doesn't understand what pregnant means it seems.  
  
I told the doctor exactly everything that had happened. I couldn't leave anything out. I need as much help as I can get here.  
  
Mom definitely is pregnant. Two months along. I cried for what seemed like hours. Mom kept asking me what was wrong. I thought I was going to scream when she asked me for about the twentieth time.  
  
Zack sat in his car with me when we got home. Mom went inside to take a nap. Again.  
  
"What am I going to do Zack?" I asked through the sobs that racked my body.  
  
"Don't worry, I'll help you with everything," he said.  
  
"I can't do that to you, this isn't your family," I said.  
  
"Hannah," he said taking me hand. I turned towards him to find a small smile playing on his beautiful, soft lips.  
  
"Yes?" I asked blinking back the tears.  
  
"I love you, I would do anything for you," he said.  
  
He loves me!! He LOVES me!  
  
"I love you too," I said smiling. And I really really really really do. I didn't know it was possible to love someone as much as I love him.  
  
For the next few minutes my problems evaporated. So much that when Zack asked if I wanted him to stay over I said no. I could handle it. I really wasn't thinking straight.  
  
Dad was sitting at the kitchen table when I walked in. He looked sad. I didn't want to talk to him but I had a feeling. He knew. Why did Mom tell him? I told her not to. Didn't she listen to anything I said anymore?  
  
"Hannah, come and sit down," he said.  
  
I sat down and stared at him. He didn't seem to be angry, like most husbands would be if they knew their wives ad been raped. Maybe he really only cared about no one but himself. Maybe he was just thinking about what this meant for him.  
  
"Dad, don't you even--" I started.  
  
"No, don't say anything, you think I deserve it, I know," he said.  
  
"What? What are you talking about? This has nothing to do with you," I said confused.  
  
"My wife cheated on me!" he said loudly.  
  
I sat back in amazement. What was he talking about?  
  
"No she didn't!" I yelled at him.  
  
"She came into the house and said she was pregnant and then she went upstairs, the baby can't be mine for obvious reasons," he said. He didn't know the whole truth. I suddenly felt like I shouldn't tell him. He should suffer, thinking that Mom cheated on him. Then she wouldn't be the victim of his adultery, he would get his just desert.  
  
I smiled a little, feeling all the compassion and forgiveness flow out of me. He deserves this, I told myself.  
  
"You're right, she did cheat on you," I said, "And you DO deserve it,"  
  
He just shook his head and left the room with his shoulders hunched.  
  
Am I a terrible person? Was it really my place to lie to him? Won't Mom be mad? Those were the questions that ran through my head when I went to bed that night.  
  
But Mom wasn't mad. I told her what I told Dad and she just smiled. She really doesn't remember how she got pregnant. She thinks she cheated on him now. Maybe that is for the best. If I can keep up the lie.  
  
November 19th  
  
I'm exhausted. Things have only gotten worse since I wrote last. Dad is never home. Mom's baby isn't his, so he doesn't care about it.  
  
Mom just lies in her room and eats when I bring her food. I know she would let herself fade away if I wasn't here to take care of her. I've missed so much school. Zack brings me all my homework assignments but I never end up doing them. What is the point?  
  
All the problems I had before seem so petty now compared to this. I fell like I'm trapped in a--- someone's yelling.  
  
Later  
  
If I thought it was bad before than I'm in for a huge surprise.  
  
I went downstairs where Dad was standing at the front door with every single suitcase he owns. They were all stuffed full. Mom was standing near the wall. She had been crying.  
  
"What's going on?" I asked. My heart was beating so hard.  
  
"I'm leaving," Dad said.  
  
"WHAT?" I cried, "You can't go!"  
  
But he could and he did. Mom and I are alone now it this huge house. And Mom doesn't have a job. Even if I got ten jobs I couldn't pay for this house and go to school too. What are we going to do? This can't be happening. What did I do? TELL ME WHAT I DID TO DESERVE THIS!!!!  
  
November 20th  
  
I have officially dropped out of school. Mom doesn't even notice that I don't go to school.  
  
She is sleeping right now. I have made sure she has everything she needs to stay healthy. I talked to the doctor again and asked him what I need to do. He told me she had to eat healthy and exercise.  
  
I don't know how I'm going to get her to take a walk everyday. She barely even has enough energy to go to the bathroom.  
  
The baby is due May 10th. Isn't that strange? Mother's Day. What kind of Mother is this baby going to have? I'm afraid, terrified actually that I will end up taking care of it. I just have to hold out hope that as the pregnancy progresses, Mom will realize how she's acting and she will decide she wants to love the baby. That has to happen, it just has to.  
  
I'm going to go look for a couple jobs now. I also need to look for a smaller place to live. I know I'm moving really fast, but I just don't have time to wait fro Mom to snap out of it or for Dad to come crawling back. I have to take control here because my parents won't.  
  
December 20th  
  
It's been forever I know but I just don't have time to write like I used to. This has been my only day off in the last month. I have two jobs now. One full time days at McDonalds and the other is nights a 24-hour pizza place.  
  
So much has happened. Mom and I have moved out of the big house. I found a small basement apartment in the house of a nice elderly lady. Her name is Wendy Duncan. I have become pretty close with her. I told her everything that has happened and she has been very nice and sympathetic. Talking to her has helped a lot.  
  
I still have Zack of course but it's different talking to him. He comforts me and says that everything will be fine but he doesn't know that and it always ends up making me feel worse.  
  
Mom likes living with Wendy but she still doesn't really understand why her stomach is getting bigger and she is craving certain foods. She even wakes up in the night moaning for dill pickles. I have to get her some or she won't go back to sleep. If I'm not home then she gets them herself.  
  
I try to spend time with Zack but we don't have much in common anymore. He is in school and his life is carefree. I have two jobs and my life is anything but carefree. Not get me wrong though, I still love Zack so much and I would never want to break up with him. I'm just not sure if he feels the same way.  
  
Sometimes I wish mom would have a miscarriage. I am an evil person. I want her to have to baby and I want it to be healthy I just don't know if I can handle this anymore.  
  
See you next month. 


	8. Chapter Seven

Chapter 20  
  
January 10th  
  
Christmas is over and it is now the new year. New Year's is supposed to be about having fun and new beginnings. There was no new beginning for me. Mom is still just as pregnant as she was before. The baby will be here in exactly four months.  
  
On the bright side, Zack and I are closer than ever. He comes over every single day after school and talks to Mom until I get home from work. I keep telling him not to do this but he doesn't listen to me. Mom really seems to enjoy his company. She is alone all day because Wendy baby-sits her grandchildren away from the house. I want to stay home so much but I just can't. I decided to quit my night job. I just couldn't function anymore with two jobs. So now I'm working full time at McDonalds.  
  
I'm getting some money from Dad every month. It's child support since I am his child and I'm still under eighteen. I went to him one day and told him I would take him to court if he didn't send us money every month. It didn't take much to persuade him. He's rich and too busy to have a lawsuit hovering over his head.  
  
Mom is healthy enough. I really think everything is going to be okay. My life is slowing down, it is frantic and rushed all the time. I have spare time to hang out with Zack and I can still take care of Mom. She has changed so much since the last time I wrote. She sued to be childlike and confused now she is alert and acting more responsible. She knows she's going to have a baby and she told me she wanted to get a job to help me pay for food and rent but I refused. The last thing I need is for her to get stressed out and go back into her childlike state.  
  
I still don't know what will happen when the baby is born. I am almost dreading that moment. Babies cost money and we are already stretched to the limit as it is. I bought Mom baby clothes and supplies for Christmas. That is the only thing I could get myself to spend money on that wasn't an absolute necessity.  
  
Zack got us a stroller. A brand new one! I was so surprised. I couldn't believe he had realized that we needed baby things and anything else would be worthless to us right now. He is so sweet. I almost told him the stroller was too much but we really need it and I knew he would never take it back.  
  
He told me his mother knows what has happened to me and the stroller was from her too. I was almost envious of Zack at that moment. His family was so perfect, his father would never abandon his family as selfishly as mine had.  
  
Everything is going to okay from now on right? I can only hope.  
  
February 25th  
  
Everything is still going smoothly. I just got a raise at work, which is really going to help out. Wendy even lowered the rent by a hundred dollars a month. We are very good friends now. I don't know hat I would have done if I hadn't found her. But none of that, no what if's. Everything is going well and it's going to continue that way. I just know it will  
  
March 11th  
  
Just two more months left. Mom is huge and she mostly just lies around all the time. I try to get as much time off as possible but I need to keep making money so it's hard.  
  
I'm a little worried about Mom being alone here when she's close to her due date and after the baby is born. I just don't know if she will be okay here by herself. I'm so worried all day at work that it's hard to concentrate.  
  
Zack tried to get me to consider coming back to school after the baby is born but I just don't think that is possible. This is how it has to be until Mom can work again and the child can go to daycare. And by then, what is that point in going to school? I'll be twenty years old in classes full of sixteen year olds.  
  
March 20th  
  
You'll NEVER guess what happened!!!! Maxine (Zack's mother) told him he could invite Mom and I to live in La Vie!! That means I won't have to work anymore! And Mom will be free to stay home with the baby. I can't believe how generous she is. I think she knows how in love Zack and I are. She is so understanding.  
  
We are going to more in tomorrow. I'll be sorry to leave Wendy but she said she is going to have her nephew move in because he's starting college next year.  
  
Everything is working out. I'm so happy that I didn't give up. Nothing good ever came from giving up. Perseverance is then most important quality for anyone to have and I have proven that I have it.  
  
I can't wait to move into La Vie!!  
  
March 31st  
  
We have settled into La Vie but there has been a terrible accident. Only two days after we go here Michael had a heart attack. He was in his late fifties, much too young to die. I know Zack, Maxine and Fred are devastated. The house is almost like a funeral home now. I almost feel like my coming here has caused this pain/ I know it isn't true but it's so hard not to think that way.  
  
I try to comfort Zack and I have helped Maxine with all the funeral arrangements. I love them all very much for doing so much fro me, the least I can do is help them too.  
  
Mom even helped Maxine get dressed for the funeral. She was having a really hard time. I thought she was going to collapse in the middle of the service. But she is a very strong woman; I can only pray that I turn out to be half the woman she is.  
  
April 22nd  
  
We are finally starting to get over Michael's death. None of us will ever forget him. He was a wonderful, generous caring man and I will forever be grateful for what he along with Maxine has done for me mother and I.  
  
The due date is looming so near. Less than a month away. But I feel so much better about everything. We are going to fine thanks to Maxine.  
  
Fred has been showing a lot of interest in my mother's well being. He asks about her every day and he sometimes visits her in her room. They seem to get along very well. Fred is just as sweet as Zack is and I'm very grateful for his kindness.  
  
I can't wait to start school again in the fall. I have missed being a normal teenager so much. I'm just so happy that my life is going to get back to normal.  
  
April 30th  
  
Something very strange has happened. Mom refuses to speak to Zack anymore. It's like she has seen something in him or remembered something that she is afraid of. I can't understand what it could be. Zack is the perfect gentleman. He has never been anything but kind and compassionate towards her.  
  
I hate to be suspicious but I'm started to think that Zack did something to her.  
  
But what could it be?  
  
May 1st  
  
This can't be happening to me, it just can't be. Haven't I been through enough already? I can't handle this! Just when I thought my life was getting back to normal my mother goes into labour.  
  
Ten days early. The doctor came to the house. He said it was fine. Ten days isn't that many. Mom insisted on having the baby in the room that is painted blue like that sky.  
  
It was such a long labour. Almost 24 hours. It was so hard to watch her in so much pain.  
  
Then about twenty three hours into the labour the worst happened. The umbilical cord was wrapped around the baby's neck. The doctor looked nervous.  
  
Mom was very weak when the baby finally came out.  
  
"It's a girl!" the doctor said.  
  
He washed her off and wrapped her in a blue blanket. The blue matched the colour of her beautiful eyes.  
  
Mom didn't look too good. The doctor gave the little girl to me and rushed to Mom's side. She screamed in terror.  
  
"My baby!" she yelled. She kept on yelling until it was more like a whisper. It looked like she was having a sudden seizure. What was happening? What was going on?  
  
"What's wrong!" I yelled. My little sister was now screaming at the top of her lungs. Her little face was bright red and her tiny hands were clenched into even tinier fists.  
  
"She's stable," the doctor told me, "but she's very weak, I don't think she is going to make it through the night,"  
  
My mother was going to die. This little girl wasn't going to ever know her mother. Or her father for that matter.  
  
I brought my little sister into the bedroom and sat beside our mother's bed. She smiled at my weakly and closed her eyes.  
  
"Take care.I'm going to the big playground in the sky," she said. She squeezed my hand and let go. She was gone. And I am alone now with a infant with bright blue away that match the sky. My little sister would be named Skye.  
  
Those bright blue eyes. They look so familiar. Almost the same shade as Zack's.. 


	9. Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight  
  
May 13th  
  
Nothing is going the way it is supposed to be. My mother wasn't supposed to die. I can't take care of Skye all by myself; I just can't do it. I'm only seventeen.  
  
Maxine has been helping me out a lot. She seems to have gotten over Michael. Skye has helped her she the bright parts of life again. She's a lot happier now. Zack tries to help me with Skye but she doesn't seem to feel comfortable with him because she always cries when he holds her. I can't imagine why, he's very gentle.  
  
He's starting to give be a bad feeling lately. Sometimes I'm with Skye and Zack in the living room and I'll see Fred peek his head around the corner. It's like he is spying on us. But strangely enough I don't feel angry about it, I feel like he is just trying to protect me. From what, I don't know.  
  
He couldn't be trying to protect me from his own brother could he?  
  
I don't know. Everything is just all out of wack right now. I can't seem to feel safe or secure for any amount of time. Too many terrible tings have happened. I just couldn't stand it if anything happened to anyone else I love.  
  
Mom's funeral was nice but very small. She didn't have many friends here since only a week after we moved here she was raped and cheated on by her husband. I feel like finding the person who did this to her and killing him with my bare hands. But I have no way of finding out who he is unless I somehow use Skye's DNA.  
  
Anyway, Wendy came to the funeral and Zack, Maxine and Fred too. Dad even came. He barely even glanced at Skye and he left without saying goodbye. I really could care less what he does now. I told him to stop sending money. I don't want it anymore. I know Maxine will help me with everything I need for Skye.  
  
I feel bad about taking so much from her but what else can I do?  
  
I guess going back to school next year is out of the question. I'm back to square one.  
  
May 23rd  
  
I have started really talking to Fred lately. He seems really concerned about Skye and me. I appreciate his help with everything. Skye seems to like him a lot too. Zack has stopped helping me so much now that he realizes Skye doesn't like him.  
  
I keep telling myself that everything is going to be fine, but I just don't know if that is true. I had the strangest conversation with Fred the other day. I was feeding Skye in my new room, the one with the sky blue walls when he came in.  
  
He just sat on the bed and watched me silently for a little while.  
  
"You look nice today Hannah," he said.  
  
I smiled, "Thank you Fred,"  
  
He is always complimenting me now too. Not that I don't enjoy it, since Zack is almost ignoring me these days.  
  
"Was Skye a good girl while I was away?" he asked.  
  
"She was a little angel, but I know she missed you," I said.  
  
He looked genuinely happy to hear that.  
  
"I'll take care of both of you Hannah. Zack is not who you think he is," then he got up and walked out of the room.  
  
I know now that he knows something that I don't. Something about Zack. And I think it has to do with the reason Mom became so frightened of him a few weeks before Skye was born.  
  
I have to find out what it is.  
  
May 25th  
  
Things have gone from bad to worse. I didn't think it was possible but it is. Zack is gone. He ran from the house late last night. I don't think he is coming back. Maxine won't believe what Fred and I have told her. She refuses to think any bad thoughts about her son. He is perfect in her eyes, even after what we have all learned to be true.  
  
I went to Fred yesterday and asked him what he meant about Zack not being how I thought he was. It took a bit of prodding but I finally got it out of him. I can hardly believe it myself right now. It still feels like a dream. No, more like a nightmare.  
  
The reason why my mother was afraid of Zack, the reason why Skye doesn't like him is Zack is the rapist. He is the one who attacked my mother on the street on her way home from a friends house that night so long ago.  
  
I can't believe he is capable of something like that. He was always the perfect gentleman with me and no one ever warned me that he could be violent sometimes. That's because he never was violent. The rape was totally uncharacteristic. Even Fred, his own brother was surprised when he found out. My mother talked to Fred so much when we moved in here. She told him the Zack was the one who made her pregnant. But she had blocked the person's face out of her mind because of the traumatizing experience. Then when she finally realized whom her only daughter was dating, she kept it a secret because she didn't want to hurt me. She wasn't thinking straight, because she didn't even think of the possibility that Zack could do the same thing to me.  
  
Skye must have felt her mother's fear while she was still in the womb and now she has the same fear.  
  
I confronted Zack with Fred beside me that very same day and he denied it adamantly. Now I know why Skye's eyes are the same shade as his. They ARE his eyes.  
  
He ran away from the house during the night, he didn't leave a note or anything. When we found him gone today we told Maxine the whole story. She was angry at first. She told me I was a liar, but she believed Fred who she trusted with her own life.  
  
We have definitely hit rock bottom now. It can't get worse than this. Maybe I should be careful what I say because I didn't think it could get worse than my mother dying and it did. It really did.  
  
June 1st  
  
Skye is now one month old. It is hard to look at her and see those eyes that I despise. I have come to hate Zack in the late week. He isn't coming back, that I am sure of.  
  
Maxine has accepted it. She doesn't hate her son but she refused to live her life waiting for him to come home. I admire her more and more every day.  
  
She has met a man who I think she is falling in love with. He is a widower just like her. His wife died in childbirth just like my mom. He almost seems connected to our family in a way. His name is Gregory and he has twin boys, only a week old.  
  
I thought it was way too soon for him to be dating. His wife died a week ago for goodness sakes but it isn't like they are getting married. They just enjoy each others company.  
  
Okay, so maybe they aren't exactly dating but they are good friends. They knew each other before Michael died. It's obvious they are both lonely and Gregory needs a mother for the twins.  
  
June 5th  
  
Fred is a really great guy. I don't know why I never noticed it before. He spends all his free time with me and Skye. He takes my mind off all the bad things and helps me just enjoy myself for a little while instead of moping around all the time.  
  
It isn't good for Skye to be around such negativity.  
  
Now I actually hope Zack NEVER comes back. I'm afraid if he does he will take his daughter away from me.  
  
We can't prove that my mother got pregnant as a result of rape. I'm the only one she told at the time and I'm biased. At least in the eyes of the law.  
  
Skye has Zack's DNA but that can't prove she is a product of a rape.  
  
I don't understand how something so perfect and beautiful could come from something so disgusting and violating.  
  
I can already tell Skye is going to be stunningly beautiful. She has the same dark hair as me and her eyes sparkle so nicely. Especially when she sees Fred. He is the closest thing she has to a father right now.  
  
Fred helps me so much. I don't know what I'd do without him.  
  
June 30th  
  
Maxine and Gregory have just been married. Hard to believe eh?  
  
I think they bother just needed a companion. They really seem happy though.  
  
Fred and I grow closer every day. I'm starting to love him the way I thought I loved Zack. I need Fred now and frankly, I don't like the way I rely on him. I relied on Zack and look what happened.  
  
The twins are so cute, they look like little mini Gregory's.  
  
I like Gregory very much. He is a kind, compassionate man who really knows the meaning of love. He spends so much time with his children. He isn't one of those rich guys who hires a nanny and goes on with their lives.  
  
I really adore the twins too. I love to sit in the nursery with them and Skye and put on a puppet show or play with them. I'm so happy all the children are going to grow up together.  
  
July 8th  
  
Fred and I went out to dinner tonight. It was positively wonderful. He was such a gentleman the way he opened doors and pulled out my chair for me.  
  
He slept in my bed with me. Not the same way as Zack. Zack just held me in his arms. Fred and I made love. He couldn't stop kissing me. I know he really loves me and I feel the same way. Nothing could ruin this feeling.  
  
June 10th  
  
Something has ruined it. I got a letter from Zack today. He just couldn't leave me alone could he? Here is what he said.  
  
My dearest Hannah, I am so very sorry for what I did to your mother. It was wrong and I'm not going to try to rationalize it. I love you still and I want to come home. I want us to raise Skye together.  
  
I realize you could refuse my request so here are your choices: you can marry me and we can be a family or I can take MY daughter where you will never, ever see her.  
  
Love Always, Zack  
  
He had to never to write love always.  
  
I cannot marry that pig. I love Fred now. And I'd sooner kidnap Skye and spend my life on the run than give her up to him.  
  
***A/N*** I revised the prologue a little bit, well a lot. I think it works better now. Anyway, thanks everyone who has reviewed! Keep reviewing and I'll keep writing!! 


	10. Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine  
  
June 21st  
  
Zack is due to come back tomorrow. I don't know what to do. I haven't even shown Fred the letter yet. I don't know why I didn't. It's just so hard. I feel like I'm going crazy. I think something is wrong with me.  
  
I play with Skye and the twins but I don't really see them. I'm in a world of my own sometimes. I daydream a lot, about the way things used to be.  
  
I saw my father on the street the other day. He was with Olivia of course. I walked right past them and didn't say a word. He didn't call to me either. He is no longer my father.  
  
I wish I were back in Winnipeg with my old friends and my old life. But then I wouldn't have Skye. I'm sorry Skye but without you my life would have been normal. I could be a regular teenager. I shouldn't have to take care of you. It isn't fair!  
  
June 22nd  
  
I showed Fred the letter last night and he freaked out. He yelled at me and wanted to know why I didn't show him before. I don't know why I didn't. I think I'm used to life being hard and now if it isn't I have to make it that way.  
  
It took him less then five minutes to decide we were leaving. He packed my clothes for me while I sat and watched. I was in a daze, I couldn't even understand why we were leaving. I even thought that it might be easier to just marry Zack. I told Fred this and he ignored me. He wouldn't let me stay, that I could see.  
  
I went to get Skye from the nursery where she was playing with the twins and something just came over me. I looked at Anthony and I knew I couldn't leave him. Trevor was sleeping in his crib, I don't know what would have happened if I saw him too.  
  
I packed Anthony's and Skye's clothing and toys and left the room. Gregory and Maxine were out for dinner so they wouldn't see us leave.  
  
"Hannah!" Fred cried when I came into the garage carrying Skye, Anthony and three suitcases.  
  
I just stared at him.  
  
"Put Anthony back in the house," he said.  
  
"But no one is here to watch him," I said.  
  
"The servants are, and if you take Anthony it is called kidnapping," he said angrily. I could tell he was beginning to get frustrated with me.  
  
"I'm not going without him, I want him," I insisted. I don't know why he did it but he said yes. I took Anthony's car seat from Gregory's car and we left. I looked back once and said goodbye to my mother. I knew her spirit still haunted that house. She would be all alone without her daughters.  
  
We didn't know where we were going. We just drove for as long as we could until we came to a trailer park. There was one trailer that had a for sale sing in the window so as Skye and Anthony slept, Fred went to the door and knocked. There was no answer.  
  
Then a chubby man came lumbering out of the trailer down the road. His once white T-shirt was now gray and he had very dirty jeans on. I couldn't imagine living so near someone like that. I had always lived in nice houses in nice neighborhoods. Even when I lived with Wendy, I felt safe and clean. I don't think the same could be said for this place.  
  
The man talked to Fred and then he handed him a key. I got out of the car once the man was gone.  
  
"This is our new home," he said.  
  
"How are we going to pay for it?" I asked.  
  
"I'll pay from my trust fund," he said.  
  
I didn't object. I knew we had no choice.  
  
So I got the kids from the car and we went into the trailer. It smelled musty and old but it could be cleaned. There was a small kitchen and bathroom. There was a bedroom off the kitchen and two bunk beds out in the open.  
  
My new home.  
  
July 12th  
  
Zack knows we are here. He sent me a package today. My heart stopped when I saw the return address. I'm afraid again that he will come and take Skye. But by the inscription on the bottom of the beautifully carved box he sent me, it looks like he has given up. The box says,  
  
To my love, Hannah  
  
May you always be happy, with or without me,  
  
Zack  
  
Does this mean he has finally decided to leave me alone? Am I free of him forever now?  
  
He also left a picture of the two of us in the box. We look so happy. I long for that time to come back. I wish he didn't rape my mother. I wish he really were the loving, sweet man that he acted like.  
  
But that is done now. I can't relive the past.  
  
July 31st  
  
I haven't written in a long time. I thought having one child to look after was hard. Well two is much harder. I don't regret taking Anthony though. I love being his mother. I love him so much. I only want him to be happy.  
  
I have cleaned this trailer until in shines. It isn't so bad anymore. It smells like roses instead of dirt. I think I really will be happy here.  
  
Skye and Anthony don't seem to notice the change of scenery.  
  
They play out on the front patch of grass we have on nice days. There aren't very many children their age around here.  
  
I have made one friend. The man who sold us our trailer was named Jack Bellows. He has two children who are around my age but they still live at home. There is Frankie who kind of creeps me out. I always feel like he is looking at me. His sister is Delilah who I have become pretty close with. We are opposite but we get along very well. She likes playing with Anthony and Skye sometimes. I have heard rumors that she sleeps around but I'm not going to let that make me lose my only friend here.  
  
Fred found a job at the local gas station. We are doing pretty well and I'm very happy. I'm happy with my decision to leave and I don't think I will ever see Zack again.  
  
August 25th  
  
Everything is going great. I used to use this diary for writing about all the bad things that happened to me. But nothing like that ever happens anymore. We are all healthy and happy. I can't imagine anything bad happening.  
  
I even think this will be my last entry for awhile. I'm so just caught up in the kids and just enjoying life.  
  
August 25th (4 years later)  
  
It has been so long. I can't believe everything that I wrote in this journal. I just finished reading it over, reminiscing. Now I wish I hadn't.  
  
I have been to the doctor and I have terrible news. That's why I'm back to write again. I am incapable of having my own children. My uterus is an unfit environment for a baby.  
  
I cried for days before I came back to my journal.  
  
Skye was so sweet. She stayed with me and hugged me all the time asked me what was wrong and why I was crying. Anthony tried to help too. He made me a peanut butter sandwich. They are so smart for their age.  
  
The only bright side is that I have Skye and Anthony. What would I do without them? I would have no children at all.  
  
I don't know if Fred wants more children. He has changed so much. He isn't the sweet man he was when we lived in La Vie.  
  
La Vie is so far from my mind right now. I have made up so many lies to tell the children and everyone who lives here. The only people who know the truth are Fred and Delilah Bellows.  
  
I told Skye that she was born in January. I had a new birth certificate made up for her. I couldn't have anyone finding us now could I?  
  
I told her the story of her birth but it was all a lie.  
  
I said she is my daughter and I was pregnant with her. I told her she was named Skye because of the colour of her eyes. I told her, her father wanted to name her Tamara.  
  
I don't know where the lies came from but they are out there. Anthony is now one whole year younger than Skye. I couldn't have them the same age could I? That wouldn't make sense.  
  
Fred still has his job at the gas station thankfully. It is a miracle because of all the times he has been late or just not shown up at all.  
  
I stay in bed all day sometimes. I get so depressed. I wonder if life will ever go back to how it used to be. 


	11. Chapter Ten

Chapter 10  
  
September 19th  
  
Skye and Anthony are in school again. Skye is in senior kindergarten and Anthony is in junior. It's so lonely here during the day.  
  
I want a baby so bad. I NEED one. I feel so alone. Skye and Anthony like to play with their school friends a lot so the trailer is even empty in the evening. Fred gets worse and worse every day. He started drinking awhile ago but I thought it was normal, he just wanted to relieve some of the stress. But then he started missing work and staying in bed hung over.  
  
I kept telling not to drink in front of the kids but he won't listen. He ignores everything I say about keeping the trailer clean and going grocery shopping. None of us have health insurance and every day I worry that someone will get hurt and have to go to the hospital. What will we do if that happens? We don't have to money to pay for hospital bills.  
  
Nothing is working out the way it is supposed to. When we got here I was so happy to be away from Zack, where he could never find me but now I'm in a new kind of hell. Not the kind where I'm afraid that someone is going to jump out from the bushes and take me away. But the kind where everything feels hopeless and the kind that makes me wonder if this is what the rest of my life is going to be like.  
  
This new hell is definitely worse.  
  
Every day there is a new disappointment to face. Some new dilemma that I'm going to have to figure out a solution to. Fred doesn't help out with anything and he always spends the majority of his paycheck on alcohol.  
  
I don't know how it got like this. Only ten years ago I was happy living in Winnipeg with my parents without a care in the world and now my life is like a giant sinkhole that just keeps getting worse as time goes on.  
  
Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to stay here if things stay this way. I can't handle this monotony, I need a change and I need it now.  
  
December 25th (3 years later)  
  
I stuck it out and stayed for theses grueling years. I tried to leave a couple times but then I would see Fred stumbling through the door, ignoring the kids and I knew I could leave them alone with him.  
  
Things have gotten better for me. We have a new addition to the family. Little Erin is a beautiful baby. Her chestnut brown hair is so shiny and her brown eyes tell me that this is out new beginning. She is the angel God sent to us to help. She will bring Fred away from alcohol and back to his family.  
  
I pray for these things every chance I get. I'm happy for the distraction that Erin gives me. She lets me get away from the dirty trailer and the clothes that need to be washed. She helps me get through the bad things just so I can look forward to the good things.  
  
Delilah is her real mother. It is hard to take a baby from their real parents, but this isn't my first time. Anthony was only the beginning fro me.  
  
My best friend got pregnant and she has no job. She sleeps on the couch in her father's trailer. She would have no way to support the baby so I said that I would adopt her. Fred agreed to it and so that's what happened. Now I have two daughters and a son. The only thing that would make my family perfect is another son.  
  
I told Skye and Anthony that Erin was sent y Santa Clause. I couldn't get them much for Christmas because of the lack of money. They were happy to have a little sister. Especially Skye. Anthony was a little disappointed Santa didn't bring a little brother for him but I told him maybe next year.  
  
"I'll write a letter to Santa right now Mommy," he said happily. I smiled and watched him run off to get some paper and crayons.  
  
"Are we having turkey tonight Mommy?" Skye asked hopefully. We haven't had turkey in four years.  
  
"No honey," I told her sadly. I hated saying no to the kids. They were so sweet and innocent, they didn't deserve this.  
  
"Did Daddy take the money again?" she asked her voice low.  
  
I never told the kids what Fred did the nights he didn't come home. I didn't want them to hate their father like I hate mine. But I can't protect them forever can I? They are going to grow up and find these things out for themselves.  
  
"He needed to buy something else honey," I told her.  
  
"Presents for us?" she asked, looking up hopefully.  
  
"Maybe," I said. I didn't have to heart to tell her no. I couldn't tell her that her father had taken the Christmas money and spent in on booze and probably cheap prostitutes. I wouldn't poison her mind. She would be innocent forever.  
  
Someone needs to be punished for this. Someone needs to suffer instead of me. I didn't do anything to deserve this except trust someone. Zack is the one who deserves to suffer. He has to know what it feels like to clean all day and never feel like I'm finished. He needs to know what it's like to wonder if his spouse is coming home that night or if they are going to spend the night passed out in a bug infected motel room. Bank account wiped out and nothing to show for it.  
  
He was going to pay for this. Someone was going to pay.  
  
February 9th (Two years later)  
  
Things have gotten anything but better. Thoughts of revenge consume my every thought. Whenever I think about my former life it gets cloudier and cloudier. Soon I won't be able to remember being happy at all.  
  
This trailer is too small for our family. I have to sleep on the bunk bed under Anthony now because the bedroom smells like vomit and alcohol. It is disgusting and I refuse to clean it. If Fred wants to stew in his own waste then so be it.  
  
But there is another baby on the way. Delilah is pregnant again. She can't keep the baby and the doctor says it is a boy. I can't let her give to anyone else or have an abortion. But taking care another child scares me.  
  
As Macbeth said when he won the war against Norway, "So foul and fair a day I have not seen."  
  
I'll finally have my perfect family but we won't be happy living like this. I can't live like this, but what are my choices? I made my bed and now I have to lie in it.  
  
But WHY? I did not make this bed. Actions by other people have sealed my fate. I'm stuck with what my supposed loved ones handed me.  
  
I'm sick of asking what I did to deserve this, because I already know what I did.  
  
NOTHING.  
  
October 31st  
  
Little Tyler is such a cute boy. I love him so much but nothing is okay. My kids know there is something wrong with me but I just can't change it. I mope around the trailer thinking of ways to get Zack for what he's done to me. My life is in shambles just like this trailer.  
  
I think about Shakespeare so often. I want to take control of my destiny the way Macbeth took control of his by killing the king. He wanted the thrown so he took it. I'm sick of sitting around and waiting for someone to save me. I need to save myself.  
  
I have finally learned what King Duncan never did, "There's no art to find the mind's construction in the face."  
  
I thought my father loved me but he betrayed me and Mom by leaving us to fend for ourselves. I thought Zack was a good person, he looked so perfect so handsome. But things aren't always as they seem because he betrayed me by raping my poor mother and ignoring his daughter. And now my supposed best friend here has taken advantage of me by thinking I would take all her unwanted children. She has taken advantage of my compassion and kindness.  
  
Trust is not something I will hand out willingly anymore. I won't be like King Duncan who was killed by his trusted friend in his sleep because he was too trusting.  
  
I have been betrayed one too many times and now it is someone else's turn.  
  
I will leave this place tomorrow. It is Fred's turn to be a father to these kids. I'm nobody's pin cushion, not anymore. 


	12. Chapter Eleven

Chapter 11  
  
November 5th  
  
I've finally made it back to Toronto. I had to hitchhike the whole way but I didn't mind. I was determined enough to suffer through the stinky truck drivers who looked at my chest more often then the road.  
  
I'm about to go to La Vie. I want to see Trevor again. I didn't think I would miss the kids but I do, especially Skye and Anthony. They were so sweet and innocent and they remind me of the days when I was happy. I only want them to have a good life. With me there.. I just don't think they could be happy with me.  
  
To get the kids out of my head I think about Zack. I imagine myself wrapping my hands around his throat and squeezing the life out of him, just like he squeezed the life out of my mother.  
  
Revenge consumes my thought and if I don't do something about it soon, I don't think I'm going to make it.  
  
November 7th  
  
How could I have ruined my only chance! I'll never get out of the prison they've stuck me in. I may be determined but even I can't make it past padlocked doors and armed guards.  
  
This is much more than a mental institution. They told me I was going to get better but I haven't even left this tiny room yet. I've been in this room for a whole day, no food, no water, and no human interaction. I'm really not as dangerous as they think I am..really.  
  
November 10th  
  
I'm surprised they let me keep my journal. Well, not really. I screamed and screamed when that huge man took it away from me. They decided there was no harm in letting me keep it.  
  
I don't know how I would write down my plan for revenge without my journal. I haven't forgotten my mission. Kill Zack.  
  
The people here are trying to trick me. The keep telling he is already dead but I know the truth. They are hiding him from me because he's scared. What kind of man would be afraid of little old me?  
  
I have to write down what happened, I have to make sure their lies don't get to me. I'm the only one who I can trust. I went to La Vie at night. I thought it seemed a little creepier doing it that way. I wanted Zack to get the shock of his life when he saw me.  
  
Nothing worked out how I planned it. Nothing ever does. I went to Zack's room but the bed was empty. The room looked like it hadn't been used in a long time. He must have moved out, I thought.  
  
I decided to go to Gregory's office and look for Zack's address. I went past an open doorway and out of curiosity I peered in. It was a child's room and I was instantly reminded of Anthony. I saw the little head with dark hair poking out from under the blanket and I went over to get a closer look.  
  
The little boy was Trevor. Anthony's twin. He was asleep peacefully. All I could think about was how much I wished that Anthony was here with me. But Trevor was the next best thing right?  
  
So I quietly, very quietly opened the closet and packed up some of the boy's clothes. He had so many, but I couldn't bring them all. I packed what I thought he would need. I grabbed his toothbrush and made sure I got some toys that looked like they had been played with a lot. I was going to have a son again.  
  
I touched Trevor's hair gently and he sighed in hi sleep.  
  
"Who are you?" A voice asked from the door. I whirled around in surprise. It was a plump woman in her late forties. I didn't recognize her as the maid.  
  
"Who are YOU?" I countered.  
  
She saw the bag I was holding and glanced at Trevor. Her eyes widened in realization. She ran down the hall and I heard her yelling to Gregory and Maxine. I shook Trevor awake and smiled at him. His eyes matched Anthony's exactly.  
  
He stared at me in confusion.  
  
"C'mon Anthony," I said grabbing his hand and trying to get him out of bed.  
  
"No!" he yelled pulling his hand away.  
  
"Don't you love your own mother?" I asked angrily.  
  
"Get away from him!" Gregory yelled from the door. I spun around and his eyes widened in recognition, "You," he breathed. Maxine hurried up behind him and he mouth dropped open when she saw me.  
  
"Call the police," she told the plump woman.  
  
I grabbed Trevor by the arm and yanked him out of bed. Gregory pounced on me in a fit of rage. We fell to the ground in a heap and I thrashed around trying to break free. I couldn't' let them keep me here; I couldn't forget my mission. As I looked at Trevor I realized that he wasn't whom I wanted. I needed Anthony, my sweet little boy.  
  
"Zack!" I screamed. I thought I saw someone pass by the door but they didn't come back when I yelled.  
  
I don't remember passing out but I did because I woke up later in this room, all alone. All alone, just like always.  
  
November 13th  
  
Sleep is my best friend here. There is nothing to do but sleep. They won't let me leave the room. The same woman keeps coming in here and giving my pills to take and I take them. It is better than sitting and thinking of what I have lost.  
  
It isn't my fault either. It's my father's fault, it's my mother's fault, it's Zack's fault, it's Maxine's fault. Everyone else did this to me.  
  
I had a visitor yesterday. Maxine came to visit. I was angry she was here. I didn't want to see her, she ruined my life.  
  
But I sat with her in the meeting room and stared at her blankly. If she thought I was going to say I was sorry, then she was sadly mistaken. I apologize to no one.  
  
"Where is Anthony," she said.  
  
I continued to stare, "I don't know," I would not let her have my son. I need him!  
  
"Hannah," she stood up and towered over me like a monster, "where did you take him!" she yelled.  
  
"He's in the ground," I blurted out.  
  
"What?" she asked sitting down slowly.  
  
"He drowned," I said. I smiled to myself. She would never look for him if she thought he was dead. He' be safe, just where I wanted him. With Skye.  
  
Maxine cried and cried then she just stood up and left. I didn't see her again.  
  
July 29th (fifteen years later)  
  
Has it been fifteen years? I don't even know. The time passes so slowing in here. It's been more like 200 years. I haven't seen anyone in a long time. All I've done is sit in here and concoct my escape plan. It is perfect.  
  
So many people are going to pay. No one will escape wrath. Skye will pay, she didn't deserve to live near Anthony, my love, all this time. She was my mother's daughter, not mine. She shouldn't have gotten the chance to live near such a perfect boy. My half sister got the life I wanted for myself.  
  
I got the institution.  
  
I will get out of here, then the world better watch out, because revenge can drive a person, keep a person alive, it did just that for me all these years.  
  
It's been simmering inside me, waiting. Waiting for its chance to lash out at the first person it saw. Even I feel sorry for that person.  
  
If I could start my life all over, the only thing I would change would be the trust. Trust has been my undoing. It will lead to me demise and the demise of those who thought they loved me. 


	13. Epilogue

Epilogue  
  
The institution was the only place Hannah could be controlled. She has turned into a wild animal over the years that have passed.  
  
I know she thinks that everyone else is to blame for what she has become but she is not the innocent on in all this. She changed my beautiful son, Fredrick into a criminal. Beautiful women like Hannah don't know how to control the power they have on men.  
  
Now that Skye is here, I can help her. Make sure she doesn't turn into the person her sister turned into. She will never know that Hannah is her sister. Some things should be kept a secret. I cannot taint my son's name; Zack was a wonderful boy. He didn't mean to hurt anyone. Sometimes things just happen.  
  
Hannah will be fine. As long as she stays in that hospital forever, we'll all be fine. 


	14. Author's Note

Author's Note  
  
**I can't believe I'm finally finished this series. I worked so hard on it and I had a lot of fun. I love to write and I'm really proud that I finished this.  
  
I want to thank everyone who reviewed the five stories. You helped me keep going with them. I couldn't have done it without your encouragement.  
  
Anyway, this isn't the end of me, I'll think of something else to write under this category, don't worry!  
  
Thanks for reading everone!!** 


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